Do you ever miss home?

Sure, and a lot. Especially now, that I am almost at the end of my trip. Especially now, that my physical and emotional energies have been consumed by trying to cope with being sick from Covid.

When coming to Kenya, I was really scared that I would feel very lonely. I wasn't coming from a good place: the lockdown in England was horrific, and 2020 was a very stressful year that I mostly spent far from my family trying to give a shape to my new life in in UK while Italy was undergoing an awful Covid wave. For long time, I felt very isolated, very demotivated, very sad.

When I got the news that I could come to Kenya, I was obviously excited: I was waiting for this opportunity for so long, and it kept being postponed with consequences on my work, my studies, and my general motivation. But I was also really concerned about whether I would actually be able to cope once alone, in a country completely different from mine, during the pandemic, after the dramatic emotions of the previous year.

Now I can say that I underestimated myself and that I still probably had a huge amount of resilience hidden somewhere. In Kenya, I haven't made a lot of friends and to be honest I spent most of my evenings alone. Nothing comparable to the crazy excitement I experimented while in Jordan or Poland. But well, that were pre-pandemic times 😉 Although, here in Kenya I have been mostly fine and fine with being on my own - something that I dread for so long in my life!

Maybe because I have been extraordinarily busy with my work, but Kenya taught me the pleasure of coming back home after an intense day and just lay on the sofa for hours, without having to talk to anyone; or the pleasure of spending a all Sunday sat in the garden reading a book - like today -and not to consider it a waste. Thanks to Covid, I also learned that I am strong enough to be self-isolating for 3 whole weeks and not going crazy.

To summarise, I think that Kenya taught me (sometimes the hard way) that I can be fine just by being with myself.

The last period, though, as been very challenging and I am now ready to go home. I am a bit tired and especially I miss my dears, who I couldn't see during all my stay in Kenya due to Covid restrictions. It is tough. 

I think in these months I also kind of pushed away thoughts connected with home - e.g. how much I would have love to be in the mountain house doing BBQ with Dad, how much I would have love to go mushroom hunting with Mum, how much I would have love to spend the traditional "Estate Italiana". 

I pushed away also all the thoughts connected with food and especially the ones involving prosciutto and any kind of cheese, unfoundable in Kenya. And Pizza.😄😄😄

The point is that, somehow, the reality is much more complicated then this, and my life is divided, both practically and emotionally, between 3 countries at the moment - Kenya, Italy, and UK.

And so, I also missed Liverpool and the docks, the traditional smell of chips in every English corner, the excess in drinking and the rain (this is not true, obviously 🙄). And with them, all the people and emotions I have in the UK.

Travelling today is difficult. It is much more difficult then just few years ago. Few years ago I would just move amongst countries with no issues. People would visit me. I wouldn't have any Visa (read: Brexit) problems.

But this is 2021, 117 are left to Christmas, 124 to 2022, and less then 30 to my departure from Kenya. Sometimes I am counting the day that are separating me from a good pizza, and from an hug with someone I love. Then I realise that this is a very silly thing to do, and that it will just waste my current time by longing for something I can't have. I suppose I should just follow what Horace said "carpe diem". Although the nostalgia is really a bit "canaglia", to quote another (much less respected) italian celebrity 😁. But in the end, Al Bano also said something meaningful:

Chissà perché
Si gira il mondo
Per capire un po' di più
Sempre di più
Guardi lontano
E perdi un po'
Di ciò che sei
E poi perché
Un'avventura è bella
Solo per meta?
Mentre si va
Quel dolce tarlo
All'improvviso tornerà

Or maybe I should just remember what my Dad always says: "non mollare, tieni duro che sei forte!" (Don't give up, keep it up, you are strong!)

Nostalgia Canaglia


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